Whilst watching TV last night, a toddler diaper commercial struck a chord with me. The narrator said something to the effect of "Looking back you wonder where your newborn baby has gone...."
Still looking? I have the answer! The 'nostalgic' time you have spent with your precious darling has been flushed away with this afternoon's feeble attempts at potty training your 2 1/2 year old. But it's not just memories and fly by the seam of his pants tinkle sprinkle...there's so SO so much more.....
Here's a list of things you may or may not temporarily misplace as your time on this earth continues to revolve around a child...or two.....whose only missions in life is for you to answer WHY and discover an unending bowl of candy...
1.Sick days consist of you retching your brains out in your bathroom with a shocked, scared, symphonic orchestra of toddlers howling at your every gag. Once they realize you aren't dead, they make a great game called "Puke Mommy" and continue to re-enact your grand performance, yet five scales higher and 10 times grosser. Oh, and now it's funny. (Clearly you will find it funny in 10 years. You will. Never mind you now pee your pants every time you puke. That can beyour (and your washing machine's) dirty secret.
2. Taking a shower until the hot water runs out. Or a bath. Only water left after 4 loads of laundry, 2 runs of dish washer and two toddler bathing sessions is water good enough to pour into you dog's water bowl. There's times I've contemplated outdoor bathing....then I think how our poor neighbors are already concinved I'm mentally unstable. So I'll take my chances of stepping on soggy used wash cloths and SHARP edged plastic dinosaurs in the tub. *sigh*
3. Yoga pants were sanctioned strictly for YOGA. Namaste. Boom, you have 5 minutes to get out the door to drop you daughter off to preschool (and it's that kind of school where mom's evaluate you by what you drive, wear, and dress your precious girl in). It's safe to say this little group of "Hollister Hoes" has judged me and now just take pity on my lack of shower, full set of gel nails, and Tory Burch house shoes. In fact, I think they just accept me as the broken Barbie that I am. Hell, last week one of the staff hesitated dropping Bee off to me after class because she didn't know I was her mom. THIS HAPPENED. Back to yoga pants. They stretch. They are comfy. They match all of my t-shirts. And I now LIVE in them. Want me to grab an afternoon glass of pinor? Sure, let me grab my Lycra. Cause you know, I work out. Or whatever.
4. You can NOW tell the difference between toddler and dog pee. It takes a special kind of mom (and kids..and pets....) to get into that club. I've been in it for a while.
5. Your super suped up "Game Day" football pride TV is permanently set to Disney Jr. AND your 3 year old knows how to use the remote better than your own parents. I'm serious. Last year, Miss Bee ordered some premium hockey package for $200. We were charged. Had no idea. Only when I convinced the DirecTV people we 'were Oklahoman and could give two shits about sticks and pucks' were we reimbursed. Who knew? Who knew you could sing then ENTIRE Mickey Mouse song on your own. Or find Peppa Pig on Nick Jr with your eyes closed. It's a gift, ya'll.
6. Shaving your legs becomes your best weekly accomplishment. Seriously.
7. You are in line in the grocery store (kids are with Dad on an adventure of their own) and you keep humming a catchy tune in your head. You're so good at it! WHERE have you heard this song??? MY SWEET BABY JESUS. It's the alphabet song. And you all but whoooped and hollered it in the checkout line of Whole Foods. Then I realize my cashier is a very tall, masculine built "Pauline" wearing purple makeup to match his-her-his? ensemble???!!!! I wonder if he/she knows the alphabet song? I'll ask next time . I will keep me from asking the most asinine questions I want to speak but know I will melt in a pool of shame once asked.
8. Your technology skills are all but flushed also. Don't believe me? Well, don't call me when your kid locks your phone and you know know how to answer it and you boss calls you three times.......
Obviously there are awesome things about being a parent, I'm a little too tired to recall them now..
Happy Flushing!
XOXO Summer
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